Juliana visits Johnny in the ICU

Jules arrived and had a brief visit with Johnny today at about 10:45 am. I think it went as well as it could have, but as I expected it was one of the hardest things I have had to do. The “holding it together” part was not easy, but I got through it, as did Lea. We are so thankful for all the help and guidance we have received here at the hospital to help Jules navigate through this situation.

Lea brought Jules here from home. I met them in the hallway and we spent some time having some fun here before the big visit. Jules really likes the hospital, they do a great job making it kid friendly with toy animals everywhere, bright colors, play areas, and all kinds of fun things to do. I pulled her around in a wagon for awhile. She played with some of the same things that she liked when we visited Johnny back in May.

After she was comfortable with everything, we prepared her to see Johnny. I showed her a picture first of Johnny on his hospital bed and talked to her about how he would be “breathing through a straw, just like how she drinks juice.” We had suggested to her that she should bring him a picture, so she decided to bring him the finger painting she made at pre-school yesterday. Lea stayed with her while I went back to Johnny to get him ready. The nurse and I covered him with a fun and colorful kids blanket and I laid out some toys, books, and animals (Johnny’s Lion) that she had packed for him in his “hospital bag”.

I carried Jules in and she seemed fine seeing him. Kids just don’t understand the gravity of the situation, which is good, and she focused on what was familiar….her little brother – not all the monitors, tubes, equipment, etc. all over the place. She talked about his “straw” – “it’s white”, she said. I leaned her in close and she waved her little hand in front of him and said, “Hi, Johnny” in her soft voice. She touched his blanket and said, “his blanket is nice and soft.” I asked her if she wanted to say anything to Johnny. She said, “I see his little nose” while she was pointing at him. We asked her if she wanted to give him the picture she made and she held it out in front of him, even though he was asleep. I told her I was sure he liked it and asked if she wanted to hang it on the wall for him. We attached it on the wall with surgical tape, right where she told us to hang it. We talked about how he was sleeping, and that he looked comfortable. The visit was quick, probably about 5 minutes, but it was enough to accomplish what we wanted to with Juliana. She needed to see where he was and know that he was safe. I carried her the entire time. I was watching the temp monitor and Johnny was starting to get elevated temps under the blanket so we had to cut it short. We told Jules that we thought Johnny was really glad to have her visit and told her it was time to say good-bye. I leaned her in close again and she gently patted him with her little hand and then gave him a little wave in front of his face, and said, “Bye, Johnny.”

Afterwards, we spent some more time playing around the hospital again, and then it was time for Lea to bring her home. Jules didn’t want to go at first, she wanted to play some more but we told her it was time to go home and have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa and then she was on board with the plan.

Lea and Jules headed to the van to drive home, I turned and went the other way and almost immediately broke down. Randy, a good friend of ours, had arrived to visit....I walked down the hall with Randy, turned the corner, and ducked into the chapel. The tears flowed freely for awhile. I knew they would after Juliana left. Probably as much for the close call on Tuesday with Johnathan as the experience with Juliana. I cried for our family and what we are going through, for Lea seeing and experiencing things a mother should never have to go through with her baby, for Jules, for me, and of course for Johnny. I wished Randy wasn’t with me to see it, but at the same time was glad he was there. It was good to let go of some emotion...tears can be a blessing at a time like this.

There is something about having Jules go through this that is especially hard for me. Bringing her to be with Johnny is bringing her right into close quarters with all the emotions and difficulties of the situation. It has to be done so she can process things with us. Lea and I are adults, it’s really tough but we understand life can be difficult, you have to work through the hard times, lean on each other and your faith, etc. Jules is 2 ½ - I don’t want her to learn life’s hard lessons yet, at least not lessons that are this difficult. She will learn someday, she has to really, it’s all part of becoming an adult but I hope it’s gradually and gently and as she is ready. No 2 ½ year old should need to cope with having a little brother or sister in critical condition at the hospital. But it happens here everyday with many, many families. She did great with the visit, and is doing really well with the situation so far but it’s still hard. Lea told me later that on the way home, she told her, “I want to go back to the hospital and see Johnny again.” She got a little upset about it. We have reassured her there will be other visits. Even though Johnny is so little, they are really quite the pair and are so fond of each other. We really miss seeing them together.

Thanks for your prayers for Juliana. Wednesday night we couldn’t get home to have dinner and do the bedtime routine and she did great having my mom and dad do everything and then had a great night of sleep. I attribute this and the success of today’s visit to the loving hands of God being upon her and giving her comfort during this challenging time….a direct answer to people praying for her and our family. So far she is doing so much better this time around compared with Johnny’s birth and the first days of his hospital stay. This encourages us and makes the situation a little easier. Thank you.