Johnny's Favorite Places

Not long after we lost Johnny, Lea and I agreed that we wouldn't move, take apart, store away, throw away or change anything of Johnny's without talking about it first. Things that are important to one of us may not have the same meaning for the other person. The bottle rack still sits beside the kitchen sink, with bottles upside down on the holders. I could part with this, but Lea needs it there for a little while longer. The hospital bag I have had packed for Johnny ever since he was born, and used countless times during his first surgery and recovery and many doctor visits, has a place on a chair in our bedroom. It always bothered Lea that I stored it there, but I wanted it there, ready for a moments notice if I needed a quick exit to the hospital. That bag was with me the day he was born, and it was with me the day he died, and probably most every other visit to the hospital in between. The bag still sits there; I'm getting closer to unpacking it but not yet. It's full of papers of various sorts, medical forms, records of his medical history, numerous heart anatomy diagrams with notes and information, his weight gain chart. Lea has shown me some extra latitude to leave it there.

On Friday I stored away what we agreed would be the first big item to be taken down - Johnny's Pack 'n Play in the living room. It was a harder task to do then I thought it would be, and brought back a flood of memories. It was one of Johnny's favorite places. When he was up and alert, we would sometimes lay him in there, and he was always happy about it. We had the platform in the raised up position so it was only about 12 inches below the top edges. We originally had it in the center of the living room, but then moved it close to the large picture window overlooking the front yard. He would lay the same way each time, with his head tilted slightly to the side, looking out the window and up into the big silver maple tree in our front yard. On one occasion I tried to maneuver my face and eyes into a similar position so I could see what he was looking at. It was the tree, the leaves fluttering in the wind, the blue sky and clouds passing in the background through the openings between branches, an occasional squirrel running up the tree trunk and out onto a resting place on the first large branch. We would open the smaller windows on each side so a nice breeze would blow in. I always thought he liked that, since he was always a little hot anyway, and then he could hear the outside noises. It was the closest thing to being outside without actually being outside. I thought of it as his inside hammock.

Sometimes we would rig up this little play center in the Pack 'n Play with these little bright colored animals and rings hanging down so he could grab at them and see them move around. Jules always liked to pick what animals to hang for him, or what colored rings, or she would grab a stuffed animal and do kind of a puppet show like entertainment event for him.

Once it was taken down, I was surprised that we noticed the new void and empty space more often then the Pack 'n Play when it was still there. I can't walk through that part of the house now without noticing the larger view through the window, the empty space where it used to be. A reminder that something has changed. We have a lot of other things to take down and put away. The swing might be next, but I couldn't do it on Friday. Juliana and Johnny had their best interaction time when he was in that swing. She had his full attention, sitting in front of him, hanging different toys for him to play with and reading to him. And he really liked to be upright, able to reach for things and look around. The changing table will also be a tough one for me. At 2 am one morning I was changing his diaper, and upon changing it, he gave me his first real smile. I will never forget it. Suddenly awake and forgetting that all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I spent the next 10 minutes quietly trying to tickle him and make faces at him to give me another smile. There would be other smiles on that changing table....another one of Johnny's favorite places.

And so it goes for us. Trying to move forward, however slowly it might seem. Knowing we need to move forward, for Juliana, for each other, but at the same time living with the tension that we don't want to forget anything about Johnny and the last four months, and every time we change something or put something away it feels like we are purposefully trying to place distance between us and his memories.

Lea received a call last night, I figured out from her side of the conversation that it was an alumni group from the university where she graduated. They must have asked her something about her availability or what she is up to these days, and she answered with, "I'm the mother of two small children, so I don't have a lot of spare time these days...." It just flowed out of her like a perfectly natural and true statement. I felt something catch in my throat as I heard it. She continued the conversation for some time after that, but I knew it was really hard for her that she had said that. I knew we would talk about it later, and we did. There were some tears, a comforting embrace, a conversation about Johnny and how hard this is.

The process continues. It's been two weeks since Johnny died. We are a family, a home, in transition. We are making progress. But it will take a long, long time, and that's okay.