Meaningful Dates, Significant Days

Today marks one month from the date when we lost Johnny - August 24th. I wonder sometimes how long the dates and days will hold so much significance and bring back so many memories. Last Friday was the one month date from when we brought him to the hospital and he had his surgery. The next day, Saturday, September 20th, he would have been five months old.

I was at work today and during the afternoon I stepped away and went outside for a period of time. It was about 3:10 pm when I left. I needed a break, my mind was on the significance of the date all day long, but this afternoon it was especially weighing on me. It was good to step outside, into the sunshine, and feel the cool breeze blowing. I just sat down for a little while, alone, and thought about Johnny. Then I called Lea. It was good to be together on the phone when the time passed - 3:24 pm - the moment we lost him. I wanted to be with her, and wished I was home, but at least we were together, talking. Not an easy day for either one of us.

If it’s not the dates of the month, it’s the days of the week. Every Monday I think about bringing Johnny to his pre-op appointment and spending time with him and Lea all afternoon at the hospital. Every Tuesday I think about bringing him back to the hospital on Tuesday, August 19th, and waiting for him to come out of surgery. Fridays always remind me of the funeral. Sunday afternoons are filled with memories of the Sunday afternoon we held Johnny for the last time as he slipped away from us.

My sense is it will be like this for awhile. And we have other dates coming up that I know will hold a lot of significance. Although sometimes difficult, it feels okay, like a natural part of the process. In some ways, I am thankful for the reminders, as it causes us to pause and consider the reality of what has happened, to think of Johnny, and to reconsider our priorities and what is important to us and to our family. Johnny keeps giving us gifts.

I shared at the funeral that the date (August 29) was very close to the date when Lea told me she was pregnant with Johnny, one year earlier. It was late August, I don’t remember the exact day but it was close, and might well have been the very same day. We have a complete year of memories with Johnny. At least for now, his life has become our new calendar. The significant and meaningful days and dates continue to roll by, as we continue to make slow progress on this journey of living without him, and trying to remember everything about him.