Images, Sounds, and Life

Yesterday marked two months for us since Johnny died. All day long, the clock prompted me with reminders of how things unfolded for us that day. I wonder sometimes if the 24th will ever be just another day. Lea and I were together at the cemetery, at Johnny's grave site, when the time of his death passed. It was where I wanted to be. Lea had visited the site earlier in the day, so it was the second time there for her. We stood there for awhile. The air was cool. The sun was shining. The leaves in the trees nearby are bright with color. I brushed the fallen leaves away from the faint outline that remains cut in the grass of where the grave is.

In the evening, after we had Juliana asleep and everything was quiet, we watched the video footage we had of Johnny. It was the first time we had watched the video footage since Johnny had died. I had often thought that I had wished I had shot more video. No matter how much we had, I knew it wouldn't seem like enough. I really wasn't even sure what I had. I remembered shooting some scenes, but wasn't completely sure of all the details.

We sat in front of the TV, side by side in the dark, and started the video rolling. And then suddenly there he was, our little Johnny, on the screen. Our first immediate impression was the same...we couldn't believe how great he looked. How full of life, movement, and energy. We have pictures of him that we look at frequently, and he looks good in the pictures, but to hear his sounds again was amazing. The quiet little cooing noises he made when he was happy, and how upset he could get when Lea was giving him a bath. To see those images of him moving around, looking at Juliana and us, reacting to us, just brings home the reality of how stunned I think we were that he didn't make it. He really was in a good place before his surgery. It's still hard to believe sometimes that he didn't pull through it. It's wonderful to look at those video images and hear those sounds, but at the same time it intensifies the loss.

The first scene was not long after he was born, when Juliana met him for the first time. Juliana was on Lea's lap, with Johnny on her lap, Lea's hands carefully holding Johnny from around Juliana. Juliana's beaming face projected all the excitement and wonder that comes with meeting your little brother for the first time. To watch her little hand patting him again, while she was all smiles, brought back a lot of memories of that day and how special that was. Your kids only meet eachother for the first time once.

There is a scene where Johnny is under this huge mobile we bought for him. I remember talking to Lea about getting him a mobile and we basically agreed to get him the best and biggest one she could find. The one she brought home was amazing. It was HUGE with all these moving parts and colors. I used to think it was like Valleyfair (an amusement park near here) for him. He couldn't take more than about 30-45 minutes of it because it would get him so overstimulated that he would get fussy and wouldn't sleep. But when it was going, if he was well rested, he really loved it and would just totally focus on it and watch it closely, going around and around. I've captured it on video. He's totally content and focused on the mobile, making these sweet little noises as it goes around and around. He occasionally does his little smile that was starting to emerge, evidence he is enjoying the moment. He looks just great, all wiggly and happy, cute as only a baby can be, and full of life.

Another scene is of Johnny in his swing, with Juliana sitting in front of him. They were always quite the pair when they were together like that. Jules is reading to him, and patting him on the head. You can tell that Johnny is getting kind of tired, but he is mesmerized by Jules and is enjoying the entertainment. Juliana puts down the books and takes Johnny by the hands and starts singing "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...." while doing little arm motions with Johnny like they are rowing a boat together. It reminded me again how much I miss seeing them together.

We shot some video on my birthday. Jules is helping me with the candles on the cake. Johnny is in the bouncy seat nearby, on the table. Everybody sings happy birthday and I blow out the candles. I open some gifts. I remember being so happy that day. Two wonderful little kids, my birthday, it's summer time, Johnny was doing well, Lea is happy. Lea has the camera. At one point I grab Juliana with one arm, and get my other arm under Johnny. I'm leaning over close to both of them. Juliana is squirming around like toddlers can do when you grab them unexpectedly. In an excited voice I say, "It's my first birthday with two kids!" and I give them both a kiss. I put them down and say, "I am blessed!" It was a wonderful birthday.

Besides these scenes, there are other images, too. The video footage is without a doubt a treasure for us. After watching, we immediately made a back-up copy. Lea is going to find someone that can transfer the footage to a DVD that we will also back-up multiple places. Our plan is to get a fire proof box of some sort or lease a safe deposit box to put everything in: the video, photographs, the DVD of the funeral....all the precious images, the sounds, the sites, the memories. In some ways, it was difficult to see those images, to hear those sounds, and see all the life that Johnny had. It makes the loss all the more real, and the "why" questions resurface again. But at the same time, it helps to see evidence that he really was with us, he really was doing well, and that we all really enjoyed our time with him. He blessed all of us in tremendous ways. He made the most of his four months.