Yesterday we drove 600 miles to visit family for the Thanksgiving holiday. So I had plenty of time to think about Lea, Juliana and many other things. It was the 24th....so much on my mind. We debated whether to make the trip on the 24th or not but decided we didn’t have many other options due to a variety of scheduling things.
During our trip, we stopped in a small town for dinner. We went into the place we stopped at to take a seat. Juliana immediately noticed a young couple with a little baby, I am guessing the baby was about what Johnathan’s age would be (7 months). I tried to steer Jules over to the opposite side of the restaurant but she wanted to sit closer to the baby to watch him. She loves babies. He was a cute little guy. She kept her eye on him during dinner and talked about him a few times. She asked me what his name was.
On Saturday, after Juliana’s birthday party, I was going through the bedtime routine with her, reading books and having story and song time. At one point she said, “Are we going to have a birthday party for Johnny?” I told her that we would next spring, when his birthday rolls around. She told me she would like that. Then she said something that again amazed me that this little girl seems to have so much awareness and depth to what has happened. She said, “I miss Johnny…I wish he was here for my birthday.” We talked about it for awhile, how we would have had fun having Johnny at the party, and how Johnny would have enjoyed attending. We talked about where he is, and how he is really happy, and that he is probably having a party every day like what we had done earlier that day for Juliana. Then she asked me if Johnny was her baby brother. I explained that he was, then she said, “Daddy, I would like a baby sister”. This is the first time in a long time, since long before Johnny died, that she has said anything to us about wanting a little brother or sister. We talked about things for awhile longer, before she was asleep.
During the 600 mile trek, Juliana spent most of her time “writing” in a little notebook her Aunt Megan had given her for her birthday, her favorite stuffed animal by her side ("Kitty"). She was a great traveler for us, and we are thankful the trip went so well. This was by far her longest road trip with us. Her writing was meticulous, recording neat little letters or letter-like symbols on page after page of paper, written horizontally along the lines, at times alternating colors for her letter symbols. She started out writing down all the things that we were seeing. She would ask us for ideas, and then return to writing, and then ask again.
Later in the day, she switched to writing “stories, songs, and prayers” as she described it when we asked her about her work. She would sometimes sing along to herself, while she was writing. Sometimes she was quiet, like she was deep in thought as she wrote in her “journal”. When it was finally dark and we were still driving, she closed up the notebook, but wanted it close and by her side.
I now look at the pages and her little symbols, and think about our trip, what she told us she was writing, how she is three years old now, what she told me the night of her birthday party. I think about all we have been through as a family, and the depth of what she seems to understand and the emotion she seems to feel and express. I look at the pages in her notebook, and I can’t read her little symbols and letters as words and sentences. But I am certain there is something in there about Johnny. It was the 24th. For Lea and I, Johnny was often in our thoughts on that long trip. And I have no doubt Juliana was thinking and writing about him, too.
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