Brothers, Sisters, and Cousins

The night after Thanksgiving, Juliana and her cousins were having a great time playing together. Her cousins are all boys, and they are all older than her (ages 4-8), but they are really nice to her and include her in their little group. We had been there a few days, so Juliana was really comfortable with them and was having a great time. She was laughing and having so much fun, it was hard to end the fun and tell her it was time to get ready for bed.

When Lea was putting Juliana to bed, she started talking to Lea a lot about Johnny. Juliana said, “I want to tell Johnny something.” Lea asked her what it was and she said, “I want to tell Johnny that I love him.” Lea told her they would tell Johnny during prayer time, which she did. Later, Juliana said, “I have something else that I want to tell Johnny.” This time it was, “I want to tell Johnny that I think he is sweet.” Later, Juliana again said she had something to tell Johnny, this time it was “that she really missed him”. Lea said that she missed Johnny, too. Juliana added that she wanted to also tell Johnny that Daddy missed him, too.

Since we have returned home, Juliana has been talking a lot more about Johnny. She never completely stopped talking about him, but there is really a lot of conversation about Johnny now, much more then before our Thanksgiving trip. She also brings up wanting a little sister on a frequent basis. It’s never a little brother…it’s always a little sister.

It seems like something happened with Jules spending so much time with her cousins. Some understanding that they are brothers and have a great time with each other, she had a great time with them, she had a brother but doesn’t now. Maybe she has some deeper sense of what could have been with Johnny that is now lost, maybe emotions that she feels that she probably can’t verbalize or explain to us. It’s difficult to know exactly what she is thinking, and I know she doesn’t fully understand, but something has changed.

Last night at dinner, she talked about a little sister again and said, “I would like a baby sister, and I want her to be with us forever. Johnny’s not here anymore.” Yesterday afternoon she asked what Johnny is doing in heaven now that his heart is fixed. We continue to talk about it, answering her questions, and asking her questions to keep the dialogue going.

I write a lot about Juliana, what she says about Johnny, and how she is processing it. Maybe I spent too much time thinking about it, I don’t know. I might write about Juliana and how she is doing more than I write about us. But something tells me that it will be very important to Juliana someday to know and understand what these months have been like for her. So I record these events with Juliana as they unfold, hoping that I am capturing what is important and that it will be meaningful for her. I know it is for us. Something has changed for Jules. So we are watching and listening closely to her and all she says.