A new year

All of a sudden, the new year was upon us. Christmas was over and we would soon be in a new year. December 31st was tough. The idea that everything with Johnny would soon be referred to in a time frame of “last year” was hard. It just seemed to put so much distance between us and our life with Johnny, that all the time we had with him was “last year”. Like so often is the case, we didn’t see that coming. The theme is the same, though. Needing to move forward, and live life with each other and with Juliana, but not wanting to place distance between our life with Johnny. It’s inevitable. Here we are, almost through January.

Juliana is doing well. She still talks about Johnny all the time. All the excitement and emotions of seeing so many family members and saying goodbye to them as the holidays concluded really brought back some thoughts of Johnny for Juliana. That “saying goodbye” piece for her triggers something, and reminds her of saying goodbye to Johnny for the last time. We had a lot of questions from her about where Johnny is, and if the same family members she said goodbye to are with Johnny, or if she will ever see them again. Some things still break your heart. Like the time her big stuffed animal dog friend named Lucy was sad, as Juliana told me. She came walking in, holding Lucy tight, comforting her, just like I do for Juliana when something is wrong. I asked why Lucy was sad, and Juliana said in her sweet little quiet voice, “She’s sad because her baby died….something was wrong with his heart.” I scooped them both up on my lap. We talked about it for awhile. I held Lucy and Juliana both together, offering comfort while we talked. When things like that happen, I am taken back to the questions of why this has happened to our family. As I have said, I have seen many beautiful things happen to our family because we knew Johnny and had him with us even for a short time, but I can’t help think sometimes of all the great and wonderful things that would be possible if he was still with us. We still miss him very much.

This month has been a tough one for Lea. “The Days” as I think of them, from the 18th through the 29th of each month, continue to have much significance. That has been especially true for Lea this month. Christmas was so full of activity, although it was hard at times, I think we were too busy to really be taken back to the memories as we often are during a quieter month.

But it’s not all sadness. Sometimes I think I write too much about the hard times, the difficult questions from Juliana, and the grief and sadness. There is plenty of joy and love in our house, and we are thankful to God for that. I don’t have much concern anymore that what has happened will tear our family apart, as can sometimes happen we have been told. We are doing okay and moving forward together, by the grace of God, which is what is important. Now and then people continue to send notes of encouragement and thoughts toward us that truly amazes me - that people still think of us. If you do and if you still pray for us, thank you.

What will this new year bring for us and for our family? Only time will tell us…one day at a time.