The Marker

The woman called me late Friday afternoon while I was driving in the car, not far from home, Good Friday before Easter. She was excited to reach me and tell me the news - "It's in! The guys just installed your marker." She was glad to tell me because I had talked to her a few times the past several days, trying to track down the status of Johnny's grave marker with the hope of moving up the priority list. After that last post, I was highly motivated to make some calls and try and get things moving on the placement of his marker. Originally I wanted to have it done by his birthday, but then it took on more meaning to get it done by the Easter weekend. I was really glad to hear the news.

Christmas will forever be associated with Johnny and the news that he would not make it full term. He did of course make it and then some. For some reason I got this idea that I wanted something really meaningful to do on Easter and seeing his marker in place for the first time became the meaningful event I was looking for.

I got off the phone and changed course to head to the cemetery. I had to see it, and immediately started thinking of when I could go there with Lea, but thought I should see it first, in case something wasn't right. What if the name or date is wrong? Hopefully it would be okay.

It was a beautiful afternoon, warm and sunny, no clouds. A beautiful spring day. A drove into the cemetery and headed to where Johnny is. There were a lot of people around, I guess because it was Good Friday. I pulled off and parked the car and could see the stone in place, without making out any of the details because of the angle of the surface flat with the ground and how far away I was. But it was definitely there. I got out and walked over.

I've been to Johnny's grave many times since last August, but seeing his marker in the ground, for the first time, immediately brought back a flood of memories and emotions that I was not ready for. For a moment, it nearly knocked me down. It's difficult to put into words what it means to see your child's grave marker for the first time. We live with the reality of his death every day, but for me I think the permanence and finality of seeing that marker for the first time added another dimension to the whole experience. Another dose of reality that this really is part of our lives.

The marker turned out to be just how we wanted it. We were glad we searched so long for the right design, verse, inscription, and stone.

I stood there in the sunshine, gazing down at the marker for a long time. It was wet, they must have poured some water on and around the marker after disturbing the grass. I watched the stone change from dark to light as the moisture evaporated quickly off the granite in the sun. The retreating water left a film of sandy haze on the polished granite border so I went to the car and got an old towel out of the trunk and returned to the marker to wipe and polish the border to a shiny appearance. I picked some sticks and leaves out of the grass in front of the marker, where Johnny is. If you know where to look, you can still see the faint outline of the edges where they cut the sod for his burial.

Good Friday, and there I was, looking at the grave marker of my son, for the first time. I thought of God, seeing the tomb of Jesus, His Son. Both laid to rest, One long ago, one recently, now both in heaven. Johnny with Jesus. We know Johnny is in a better place, but we miss him... It challenges our faith daily....

We were going to go to a special church service with some friends that night. I went home and told Lea we needed to take advantage of the baby sitter we had arranged for Juliana to go somewhere just the two of us. She later told me that she immediately knew where I wanted to take her and that the marker must have been installed.

Lea and I spent some time there together that evening. It was good. The kind of good that's difficult but good, that we know all too well these days. Tomorrow is his birthday. We will be together. Difficult but good.

Particular Parents

Sometimes Lea and I don’t agree on certain things…imagine that. For many decisions, there is a lot of back and forth discussion before we arrive at something we can both live with. We’re both particular about many things and we can have strong opinions. It doesn’t make things easy and decisions that should not be so difficult become a long and drawn out processes of compromise. Sometimes we go back and forth long enough on an issue that we talk each other into seeing a different point of view only to realize that we have switched sides are still on opposite ends of the spectrum.

The decisions about Johnny’s grave marker are a good example of this. Arriving at a final decision required significant discussion and multiple designs. I’m sure the person we were working with thought we were strange at times. By the time we finally agreed on a design and stone, and placed the order, it was going to be too late in the year last year to install the marker. Winter was setting in, and the frost was already in the ground. This was kind of a disappointment - that we didn’t get this done before winter, but we just felt like it was important that the marker was something we both could agree upon and feel really good about together and individually. And so it required a lot of time. Multiple designs of the layout, the artwork to include, the layout, and finally the stone. We finally agreed on a stone that comes from a quarry in India. Yes, as in India on the other side of the world, not Indiana.

Now that spring is here, I called the monument company to check on the status. The stone is made and is somewhere in Wisconsin, ready for delivery to the cemetery any day now. It’s just a matter of time now and the need for good weather so things dry out. We will both be glad when the marker is in. It’s always felt like unfinished business to me, so we will be glad to have that done. A permanent marker to honor Johnny’s life.

Right after Johnny was born, I was talking to his cardiologist and she described him as “surprisingly complex”. I always liked that. Johnny’s heart was complex, and so are his parents, and the whole process of choosing a marker for him illustrates the point. But we are who we are and hopefully our particulars and complexities strengthen us more than they create challenges for us.

As we have started to talk about the next few weeks and what they mean to us, we are again keenly aware of our differences. We will need different things, space to move through these comings days how we need to, so they are meaningful, healing, and that whatever the path we take we will come through united in our commitments to each other and our family. People continue to tell us they are praying for us and we are thankful for that. God hears those prayers and continues to sustain us daily. Thank you.